Note; this is me at two and a halfEveryone’s been burned. It’s true, in some way or another- people have been hurt in their life. I’m speaking emotionally, of course we’ve all skinned our knees and many have even broken bones (left knee-cap)..but what about the metaphorical skinned knees?
I had an amazing childhood, I was raised (modest, also) in a fantastic family, with great values. Treat others how you would like to be treated, you get back what you put in. Values that are quite Buddhist in meaning, quite cyclical, and despite having absolutely no religious affiliation, I do feel quite likened to Buddhism in those beliefs.
I didn’t have good friends growing up. It’s a fact, and for a long time, I tried to avoid that fact and I made excuses for those ‘friends’. Some of my earliest memories surround a group of girls I spent time with from as young as eight, right up until seventeen (although by that stage it was purely at school, nothing social.). Now, these girls were all friends before I came along and maybe they didn’t like me, or as my Mum always told me, maybe they were envious of the way I didn’t ‘hang out’ with just one group. Whatever it was, it always made me an outcast with them, no matter how hard I tried. My mum had told me that even though I didn’t like one of the girls are much as the others, I needed to invite all of them everywhere because it wasn’t fair to leave someone out; this girl obviously felt the same way about me..and never invited me anywhere. Still, time after time my Mum made me invite all three girls even though she knew I was being ignored.
My next memories of friendship, were of being caught shoplifting with my ‘best’ friend- the catch was, I wasn’t shoplifting, nor was I aware that she was. She blamed it all on me, the whole thing, after all we were friends so sometimes we take the blame for each other, right? Wrong, Don’t do this, this is dumb. When else in life are you going to be in trouble with the police and have the opportunity to blame it on someone else? I’ve never had that opportunity, and this incident was now 8 years ago. I’m sure my parents have long forgotten about the police calling them, but I never did. That incident haunts me to this day, because I protected my friend- and she never spoke to me again. Her mother had said I was a bad influence, and that was that.
As I grew older the situations lessened. I grew more independent and started enjoying my own company more. Who learns this lesson at fourteen? No-one should learn that lesson in High School. People should have good friends in High School, not ones who blame them for their mistakes, not ones who stand them up at movie dates. I still largely blame myself for the experiences I’ve had, I wasn’t a strong enough person to say, “No! This isn’t right, if you’re my friend why are you doing this to me?”. If I had have stood up for myself more, maybe I would have found better friends. I’ve always been told I’m like my Mother in that way, I give people so many chances, too many chances.
Between eighteen and twenty I definitely made some mistakes (like everyone), ones I’m ashamed and embarrassed of, and one or two that I actually regret (Note: if you actually do have a regret in life, it is a heavy, heavy feeling. One I’m unsure of how to move on from.). The thing about friends is, you should be able to share these mistakes perhaps laugh from them. But at the very least, share and discuss them. Between eighteen and twenty, I shared a few of these mistakes with the wrong people, and have lived to tell the tale. This is where I’ve been most badly burned. Like third degree, skin graft required, burned. I’ve seen these mistakes I made, pop up in text messages to other people, I’ve been ignored and taunted by people I don’t even know- about mistakes they shouldn’t know about. Why would you do this to your friend? Admittedly I’ve occasionally gossiped about a friend’s misfortune when I shouldn’t have- but rarely has it been something largely embarrassing or incriminating. But as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that it’s good to keep your mouth closed, and listen more than you talk. If you’re reading this, and you think I’ve ever wronged you in that way, I apologise, sincerely, and I hope you feel I have learned from my mistakes.
My Dad always rouses on me for showing others weakness. He says, don’t cry, then they think they’ve won, they may hold something over you. There’s one thing I’m not good at, and that’s hiding weakness. No matter how hard I try, if something truly affects me emotionally- I cannot hide it. I can keep secrets and I can play poker but if I am truly upset.. it might as well be written on a billboard.
Recently ( ten months ago), a friend told a few people something about me that was untrue. The most basic parts to the story were true, “Marlee knows this person..” however the actual elements to the story were incorrect. Why someone would start a rumour about their friend, I’ll never know. Without pulling teeth, it was a nasty experience when people I liked think one thing about me, one thing that is untrue. I tried to be strong, I confronted the person who told the story- they have never spoken to me again. I didn’t hide away, I stood strong despite people being rude and nasty, but I was hurt. I’ve never been able to let go of what happened in that situation, can’t you tell? I’m still able to recall the exact day of when everything occurred.
I think what I have learned about myself over the better part of twenty-two years; I desperately wanted friends just like in the movies, I am loyal to a fault, I am scared and can be weak. But the biggest thing I have learned about myself? I’m human, I make mistakes, and I deserve to be forgiven (especially by myself). But it’s the hardest thing to do, let go and move on, forgive and forget. I’ve always tried to tell my younger friends, don’t be scared to make mistakes, but please make sure you learn from them. I really hope they took that advice.
Last night, I was alone for dinner and I chose to enjoy my meal outside in the lovely warm weather on my balcony. It was great, and I enjoy my own company (usually).
