Monday, March 12, 2012

Ill.



I hate being ill. For several reasons.

  1. I feel miserable, I am irritable and clingy
  2. I become even pickier with what I will eat
  3. I make myself feel more ill, worrying about my boss and co-workers being annoyed that I am missing work.
    (This really is the kicker, I cry, I heave and I push myself to be there but sometimes you need to sleep these things off- but I feel so so guilty doing so)
  4. I fidget and fight sleep




    Basically- for the days that I am ill, I turn into a three year old. I want my mum

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Truths

Note; this is me at two and a half



Everyone’s been burned. It’s true, in some way or another- people have been hurt in their life. I’m speaking emotionally, of course we’ve all skinned our knees and many have even broken bones (left knee-cap)..but what about the metaphorical skinned knees?

I had an amazing childhood, I was raised (modest, also) in a fantastic family, with great values. Treat others how you would like to be treated, you get back what you put in. Values that are quite Buddhist in meaning, quite cyclical, and despite having absolutely no religious affiliation, I do feel quite likened to Buddhism in those beliefs.

I didn’t have good friends growing up. It’s a fact, and for a long time, I tried to avoid that fact and I made excuses for those ‘friends’. Some of my earliest memories surround a group of girls I spent time with from as young as eight, right up until seventeen (although by that stage it was purely at school, nothing social.). Now, these girls were all friends before I came along and maybe they didn’t like me, or as my Mum always told me, maybe they were envious of the way I didn’t ‘hang out’ with just one group. Whatever it was, it always made me an outcast with them, no matter how hard I tried. My mum had told me that even though I didn’t like one of the girls are much as the others, I needed to invite all of them everywhere because it wasn’t fair to leave someone out; this girl obviously felt the same way about me..and never invited me anywhere. Still, time after time my Mum made me invite all three girls even though she knew I was being ignored.

My next memories of friendship, were of being caught shoplifting with my ‘best’ friend- the catch was, I wasn’t shoplifting, nor was I aware that she was. She blamed it all on me, the whole thing, after all we were friends so sometimes we take the blame for each other, right? Wrong, Don’t do this, this is dumb. When else in life are you going to be in trouble with the police and have the opportunity to blame it on someone else? I’ve never had that opportunity, and this incident was now 8 years ago. I’m sure my parents have long forgotten about the police calling them, but I never did. That incident haunts me to this day, because I protected my friend- and she never spoke to me again. Her mother had said I was a bad influence, and that was that.

As I grew older the situations lessened. I grew more independent and started enjoying my own company more. Who learns this lesson at fourteen? No-one should learn that lesson in High School. People should have good friends in High School, not ones who blame them for their mistakes, not ones who stand them up at movie dates. I still largely blame myself for the experiences I’ve had, I wasn’t a strong enough person to say, “No! This isn’t right, if you’re my friend why are you doing this to me?”. If I had have stood up for myself more, maybe I would have found better friends. I’ve always been told I’m like my Mother in that way, I give people so many chances, too many chances.

Between eighteen and twenty I definitely made some mistakes (like everyone), ones I’m ashamed and embarrassed of, and one or two that I actually regret (Note: if you actually do have a regret in life, it is a heavy, heavy feeling. One I’m unsure of how to move on from.). The thing about friends is, you should be able to share these mistakes perhaps laugh from them. But at the very least, share and discuss them. Between eighteen and twenty, I shared a few of these mistakes with the wrong people, and have lived to tell the tale. This is where I’ve been most badly burned. Like third degree, skin graft required, burned. I’ve seen these mistakes I made, pop up in text messages to other people, I’ve been ignored and taunted by people I don’t even know- about mistakes they shouldn’t know about. Why would you do this to your friend? Admittedly I’ve occasionally gossiped about a friend’s misfortune when I shouldn’t have- but rarely has it been something largely embarrassing or incriminating. But as I’ve grown older I’ve learned that it’s good to keep your mouth closed, and listen more than you talk. If you’re reading this, and you think I’ve ever wronged you in that way, I apologise, sincerely, and I hope you feel I have learned from my mistakes.

My Dad always rouses on me for showing others weakness. He says, don’t cry, then they think they’ve won, they may hold something over you. There’s one thing I’m not good at, and that’s hiding weakness. No matter how hard I try, if something truly affects me emotionally- I cannot hide it. I can keep secrets and I can play poker but if I am truly upset.. it might as well be written on a billboard.

Recently ( ten months ago), a friend told a few people something about me that was untrue. The most basic parts to the story were true, “Marlee knows this person..” however the actual elements to the story were incorrect. Why someone would start a rumour about their friend, I’ll never know. Without pulling teeth, it was a nasty experience when people I liked think one thing about me, one thing that is untrue. I tried to be strong, I confronted the person who told the story- they have never spoken to me again. I didn’t hide away, I stood strong despite people being rude and nasty, but I was hurt. I’ve never been able to let go of what happened in that situation, can’t you tell? I’m still able to recall the exact day of when everything occurred.

I think what I have learned about myself over the better part of twenty-two years; I desperately wanted friends just like in the movies, I am loyal to a fault, I am scared and can be weak. But the biggest thing I have learned about myself? I’m human, I make mistakes, and I deserve to be forgiven (especially by myself). But it’s the hardest thing to do, let go and move on, forgive and forget. I’ve always tried to tell my younger friends, don’t be scared to make mistakes, but please make sure you learn from them. I really hope they took that advice.

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Bills, bills, bills


I am terrible with money.


There; I said it. I have always wanted to be someone who saves and sometimes I am that person..but as soon as I have a decent amount in the bank I decide to buy something ridiculous that I (or someone else) doesn't necessarily need and I blow all my savings. This year, a lot of my goals center around money ( see: http://marleekatewiseman.blogspot.com.au/2012/01/lists-lists-lists.html), however, I currently have none of it.

So I've decided to employ a few techniques from this here link: http://kidsactivitiesblog.com/save-money/ - hopefully this will lead to me at least spending my money a little wiser or perhaps even not spending money (Gasp! What an idea!)

Hopefully I can really stick with it.. at the very least I need to try out the word frugal, and employ some of the techniques.

Friday, February 17, 2012

Bikini Bakin'

So, I had some free time today and with the house to myself, I decided to do a little baking- in my bikini. I searched Pinterest for inspiration (Yes, you can find me on there- posting photos of chocolate and cute puppies), I stumbled across Brandy and her fantastic baking blog(http://brandysbaking.blogspot.com.au) thanks to some delicious looking photos.

So, I present to you: Chocolate Chip Crownies


Brandy's name for them was Chocolate chip cookie brownies, but that is just too much for me ( and my arteries to handle) so I shortened it to my own little name. So the CCC's are pretty easy to make, I'll definitely need to bake them a few more times before I memorise the recipe, but it was straight forward.

Brownie Layer:
3 tablespoons unsalted butter
1 ounce bittersweet chocolate, chopped
3 tablespoons dark chocolate peanut butter, Nutella or creamy peanut butter
3 tablespoons butter
1/2 cup + 2 tablespoons sugar
1 egg
1 egg yolk
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon cinnamon
1 tablespoon unsweetened cocoa powder
1/2 teaspoon salt

Cookie Layer:
4 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temperature
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 tablespoons sugar
1 egg
1/2 teaspoon vanilla
1/2 cup plus 2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
3/4 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips

1. Heat the oven to 350F. Line a 20x20 cm square baking pan with baking paper; spray the paper with non-stick spray.

2. (Brownie Layer) In a small bowl, combine the butter, chopped chocolate, and dark chocolate peanut butter. Melt in the microwave until smooth. Set aside to cool.

3. In a medium bowl combine the second 3 tablespoons of butter, sugar, egg, egg yolk, and vanilla until smooth.

4. Add the cooled chocolate mixture and whisk to combine. Whisk together the flour, cinnamon, cocoa powder, and salt. Add to the chocolate mixture. Whisk until no large lumps of flour remain then spread it evenly in the prepared pan. Set aside.

5. (Cookie layer) In a separate bowl, cream together the butter, brown sugar and sugar until creamy and smooth. Add the egg and vanilla and mix until blended. Stir in the flour, baking soda, and salt and mix until most of the flour is incorporated. Fold in the chocolate chips.

6. Scoop the cookie dough into the brownie batter and spread slightly. Bake for about 30 minutes, or until the edges are just set and the center does not wobble when the pan is shaken. Cool completely. Remove bars from pan and cut into small squares.


Give them a try, they are fantastic! I can't wait for JGF to try them

Monday, February 13, 2012

Valentines Day


Saint Valentine was a priest in 269AD who continued to marry lovers after Rome passed a law to end weddings. Because he believed in love he disobeyed the law and was sentenced to death. It’s 2012 and the law still says certain people aren’t allowed to wed their lovers.
Does anyone else find this preposterous?

People who know me will know I'm not particularly fond of Valentines Day.. I think it's just like Halloween, a silly American 'holiday'. However, I don't mind taking some time to gift some things, or do something a little special; which is why I have created a treasure hunt in our apartment for Jordan. There are just two small presents at the end but it's the fun that counts!

I'm so excited for Jordan to come home and get started on it- the above photo is the first clue, taped to our front door.
Do you do anything special for this or any other day?

Wednesday, February 8, 2012

Wanderlust Wednesday

As I think I have made quite clear in previous entries, I love to be busy. I fear having nothing to do - maybe I am scared of my own company ( Who am I kidding? I'm pretty great!), perhaps I just dread being bored. Either way, I like to have a few projects going at once, some of these projects include various things I am doing at work.. 1. Implementing mass email marketing via Vision6.com 2. Event planning- functions etc and many other projects that I am passionate about. In my personal life my current and main projects are this blog (Are you thinking this is a poor attempt? Well stay tuned!), improving my fitness by gym/sport/adventures, and also, improving the space I live in with JGF.

Considering these projects, I titled this update 'Wanderlust Wednesday'.. perhaps taking it a little out of context this title, like the title of my entire blog, is to do with travel, movement and expression. I intend to improve my blog in not only appearance and but in general content. No, I'm not going to fully disclose every aspect of my life. Firstly, over share! Secondly, so so so, unnecessary. I hope that if you are reading this, and trust in the changes I'm going to make in the real world and the blog world- please tell your friends. Give them something to laugh at (me), and maybe even give me feedback of what you want to hear more and/or less of.

Things I will write more about:
* Work and functions
* Adventures
* Fitness
* Food I eat and Food I make
* Shows I absolutely love

I suppose I am writing and posting this to hold myself accountable. I want to make this happen, so I need to believe in myself and not be scared to fail.


Today's Mantra: For peace of mind, resign as general manager of the universe
Seriously- think about it

Monday, February 6, 2012

Sabbaticals- Self imposed or otherwise

Perhaps this title is a little over dramatic, but two days is a lot of time to me ( Yes, I'm aware people would be rolling their eyes already).

Let me take a few steps back, as I have already mentioned too many times- I work a lot. So this week, as I am getting ready to sit my final exam for my summer semester subject - my boss had told me to take Monday- Wednesday off from work ( My exam is Wednesday). Three days?! I laughed, never in my life would I be committed enough to studying for three days. I would much rather work than procrastinate at home. Hell, I would much rather work than do most things, firstly- because I really enjoy my job, and secondly- earning money, being unable to spend money while I'm at work etc. Anyway, I said no no, I will just take Tuesday off and come in Wednesday after my exam- thus was my plan..until today. My boss said no no, take Wednesday off as a break as well, relax, and come back to work Thursday. WHAT? WHY? He is punishing me obviously. So there is no need to yell, but seriously- two days off, what are you doing to me man? ( In my head that sounds Jamaican.) I should use these two days to catch up on the things I am always saying I cannot do; bake cupcakes, see a film, have a facial, marathon sex and the city... the usual.. instead I will probably start all of those things and finish none of them..picture me sitting on my couch in a towel, eating cupcake batter.. this is not my prettiest self.

So I've taken my work home with me, I have emails to attend to, a few calls to make, an invitation to design and some webinars to watch. Some of these things are made easier by using my faster internet connection, and some are things I just really want to work on.
Do you find it hard to leave your work behind?
We are always complaining about our lack of personal time- but when we are given it, do we use it to its full potential?

I definitely believe three day weekends are a better and more productive way to live - a day off in the week to go to the bank and post office etc, I also think it leaves people with one day to just simply exist, no rushing around trying to do everything all in one hit, just simply existing and nothing more. The problem is, tomorrow, I can simply exist but I won't. I feel guilty doing that, guilty for not cleaning my apartment, guilty for not producing work for my boss and company, and guilty for relaxing.

How do you spend your days off?
Do you relax?